The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, October 30, 2008

breakfast at rafsanjani's

Morning in Iran.
A weak wintery sun blesses the tangled thoroughfares, the new fangled office blocks and the ancient minarets of downtown Teheran.
In a small family apartment on Akbad Street, the Rafsanjani family are having breakfast.
The apartment is well furnished by Iranian standards. There is a small television, a carpet, and some potted plants. The windows are open to the morning air.
A table and chairs dominate the centre of the room.
Abdul, the breadwinner, is a midranking civil servant who has prospered by remaining on the right side of the revolution.
The mother of the house is dark eyed, raven haired, gentle voiced Farina. She is without doubt a beautiful woman. But she is not weak. Her beauty conceals an improbable strength and resourcefulness.
A steaming pot of tea has been served.
Husband and wife are sitting opposite each other.
Farina butters a slice of nyahhahageeforce and munches it thoughtfully.
The man of the house reads a newspaper between sips of tea.
Abruptly Abdul feels a wave of shock sweep through him.
Over the pages of his newspaper he has spotted the family's three year old son Mahmud in the process of flushing a Koran down the toilet which adjoins the eating area.
"Mahmud," he rumbles threateningly, "don't do that."
"Why?" gurgles the little boy cheekily.
"Because if you do, I'll have to kill you," his father tells him.
The toddler wisely desists.
Meanwhile the Rafsanjanis' four year old daughter Rema runs into the room with a picture to show Daddy.
"Look, look," she cries, "I drew you a picture."
Abdul looks.
The picture shows a stick man standing amid a white background. The child has attempted to draw a beard on her stick man.
"It's very good," says her father wearily. "What is it meant to be?"
"It's the prophet Mohammed," smiles back Rema.
Abdul reaches for his axe.
Mother Farina jumps to her feet and snatches the drawing.
"It's a picture of our beloved President Ahmed Ahmadinejad," she proclaims desperately. "Tell your father it's President Ahmadinejad, darling. I couldn't stand another ritual killing at the breakfast table. It's only been a week since the last one."
Rema takes the soft option and obeys her mother's advice.
The atmosphere in the apartment lightens considerably.
Later, when the children have been led off by a maid for their morning lessons, husband and wife savour a few moments alone.
A thought strikes Farina.
"My husband," she says softly, "what do you really think of our beloved President Ahmed Ahmadinejad?"
Abdul throws her a shocked glance.
He looks around furtively.
"Woman," he says, "hold your tongue. You risk everything."
Then he softens.
He puts a finger to his lips and leads his wife into the hall.
He looks about him.
The hall is quiet.
Abdul is about to speak but thinks better of it.
He leads Farina into the street and sits with her in the family car, an Allahuakhbar Gti.
He leans close to whisper in her ear.
Again he thinks better of it.
He starts the engine and drives out of town.
He drives for hours.
Now they are alone on a country road. Abdul parks on a green verge overhung by trees.
Farina looks at him quizzically.
"Well husband," she says. "We are safe at last. What do you think of President Ahmadinejad?"
Abdul shakes his head.
"Not here," he mumbles hoarsly.
He leads his wife by the hand into the heart of the forest.
It seems they walk for ages. Farina cannot keep track of the time.
Deep into the undergrowth.
Until at last they find a clearing.
There Farina puts a hand on Abdul's shoulder.
"Tell me husband," she murmurs. "Truly. What do you think of President Ahmadinejad?"
Abdul snatches one more furtive glance over his shoulder.
Trembling with terror he leans towards Farina and with his voice close to breaking whispers in her ear.
"I like him."

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bah Heelers.
You think you're so smart. Telling your readers that the Iranian for toast is "nyahhahageeforce." But the joke is on you. For a start, most Iranians won't know what you're talking about. You're out of date mate. Few of us watch Battle Of The Planets anymore. It hasn't been our number one show for years. The ratings fell disastrously after Zoltar turned out to be a woman. You'll have to work harder and stay up later if you wish to satirize the Islamic Republic of Iran.
Yasser Bin Jihad Al Saleem

11:38 PM  
Blogger heelers said...

Thank you Yasser.
Readers should be aware that the Iranian for toast is in fact "diediedieyouinfideldogsdie."
J

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Heelers.
I've got news for you.
You're Irish.
It doesn't matter how hard you try you're never going to be British or American.
Avid Fan

11:48 PM  
Blogger heelers said...

After Nine Eleven, everyone who loves freedom is British and American.
James

11:49 PM  
Blogger Schneewittchen said...

Eleven nine Heelers you eejit, eleven nine.

Btw, is that THE Yasser Bin Jihad Al Saleem?

3:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heelers.
My actual name is MAHMOUD Ahdmadinejad.
Faithfully,
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heelz,
You called the girl child Reza. That's a boy's name in Iran.
Daily Visitor

3:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Healy.
You maintain in your amusing little piece that the Iranian for toast is "diediedieinfidelsdie."
Yet you have omitted the "nyahaha," prefix.
Without the nyahahaha prefix "diediedieinfidelsdie," means merely "die, die, die, infidels, die."
Cunning Linguist

3:16 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

Daily, I've changed the girl's name to Rema. Okay?
Cunning, the nyahaha prefix is often omitted in ordinary speech. It is an assumed inflection and not necessary among married couples.
By the way Cunning, are you a man or a woman?
J

3:19 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Cunning Linguist?? Hmmmmmm

8:49 PM  

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