complex theological questions

Coffee with the Malteaser.
We're at a window table in the Foodcourt looking down on Stephens Green.
Privya the Muslim waitress scowls prettily at me from behind her counter.
"I'd convert to Islam for her in a second," I whisper to the Malteaser. "No, in half a second."
The Malteaser casts a glance Privyawards.
"What's wrong with her?" she asks. "Why does she hate you?"
I take a sip of warm milk.
"Long story," I grin. "I suspect part of her is in love with me if only she could admit it. But clearly the part of her that serves coffee here wants to kill me. In which case she can jolly well join the queue."
(The cops, the mob, the broads, Grinny Ahmadinejad, the Jihadi's, the pornographers, certain UN spooks, Johnston Press, the aliens, etc etc. - Ed note.)
"By the way," I continued after a moment's pause to contemplate the Ed note, "there's something I've been wondering about women in the Muslim religion. Do they get the same perks as their menfolk for committing culpable homicide? You know the way the men are supposed to be waited on by virgins for all eternity if they die while committing Jihad terror, murder, mayhem, whatever. Well what I want to know is, do the women get the same deal? Will Privya be waited on by a male virgin in heaven if she does away with me? Say if I die of a burst blood vessel from frustration some day I order a caffe latte and she serves me warm milk. Does she get a male virgin in paradise for that? I mean what's in it for her?"
The Malteaser groaned.
"James," she said, "just stop."
My eyes rested on Privya.
"No need to commit mass murder today baby," I murmured. "I'm all yours."
And at that very moment the ghost of Sigmund Freud wandered past our table.
"Heelers," he murmured, "I vould haff ein field day vith ziss one."