a satire on the reporting style of sky news

The elections in Afghanistan took place today amid a low turnout and repeated attacks by insurgents.
The elections must therefore be considered a failure.
Who needs democracy anyway.
We at Sky News think Islamist rule works much better.
Yes.
Impeach President Bush.
Impeach Tony Blair.
Victory to Al Qaeda.
The Taliban have once more shown their magnificent invincible power.
Ooh they took over a bank in downtown Kabul.
Amazing.
It shows how unstoppable they are.
Okay all three of the brave Taliban Al Qaeda members who took over the bank for a full five minutes were soon deader than dead.
But that doesn't matter.
It's the principle of the thing.
There is no Al Qaeda attack that we at Sky can't interpret as complete victory for the terrorists and therefore a repudiation of the War On Terror.
Bad President Bush.
Bad Ton Blair.
We at Sky never liked them.
Good old Taliban and Al Qaeda.
No one can defeat these Muslim supermen.
Yesterday yet another suicide bomber demonstrated how close to all out victory the Taliban are.
He killed ten people.
It was amazing.
Ten.
A full ten.
Why does anyone dare to resist them?
We at Sky certainly don't.
The total number of British troops lost in Afghanistan is now above 200.
My God.
I mean Allah.
The humanity.
Alright, Heelers may tell you it's not exactly the D Day landings, the loss of 200 troops in eight years of fighting.
Heelers may insist that actually it's the lowest losses Britain has sustained in any war against any enemy ever.
But what does he know?
200 British troops dead.
Who can resist such a massive death toll.
It just makes us want to build a mosque right now in Sky Central and begin bowing to our new overlords in Mecca.
No need to mention the death toll British troops have inflicted on the Taliban.
No need to mention the Al Qaeda losses.
We don't want you to think about them.
We want you to think about the indomitable Taliban and Al Qaeda.
We want you to lay down your arms and surrender.
We at Sky think that by reading out the numbers of British dead we can break the public will to fight and after that we can discredit both Mr Blair and President Bush.
Surrender.
Surrender to Jihad.
No one can defeat it.
Oh come on everybody.
Nazi Muslim warlords are our friends.
200 British troops dead.
Do you know how many times we at Sky have read out the number of British losses in Afghanistan?
Every night for the past eight years.
And how many times have we mentioned Taliban Al Qaeda losses?
Er never.
Not relevant.
The only time we mention Taliban and Al Qaeda losses is to claim that every member of the Taliban and Al Qaeda that our forces kill is in fact a civilian.
Either a baby.
Or his mother.
Or an innocent farmer called Mohammed.
This war is unwinnable.
We must surrender.
It's the only way.
It's the Sky way.
If CNN is doing it, why can't we?
You see Afghanistan has never been conquered.
Never in thousands of years.
That's why we should surrender immediately to the Taliban and Al Qaeda.
And as for Iraq.
We at Sky have been advocating all out surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq since the beginning.
Oh the humanity.
Forget that Britons Never Never Never Shall Be Slaves rubbish.
That's not the Sky News motto.
The Sky News motto is oh the humanity, let's all surrender to the Jihadis.
Do it now.
Don't even think about it.
Ironic that we are owned by Rupert Murdoch who also owns Fox News which pretends to support the War On Terror.
I gotta tell you folks, whoever wins or loses the War On Terror, Rupert wins.
The wheel is rigged but it's the only game in town.
So support your local Jihadis.
Surrender to the peaceloving religion of Islam.
Allah U akbar.
This is Tim Marshall, Jackie Rowland and all at Sky Traitors, saying over and out.