of hamsters and men
Afternoon at the Chateau.
I'm showing the neighbour's kid the pet hamsters.
Hamsters.
Plural.
We have two hamsters at this moment because I bought one in Naas and forgot to tell another pet shop owner in Newbridge that the position of Resident Hamster At The Chateau was henceforth filled.
I didn't have the heart to refuse a home to the creature she went and procured for me.
I know she moved mountains.
Ireland is undergoing a hamster shortage at the moment which you would not believe.
So here we are.
Hamster Number One who is called Baby Ham is in the front room.
She is a happy hamster and everyone rejoices at her presence.
Hamster Number Two is in my bedroom in the west wing.
His name is Fur Ham because he is of a long haired breed.
He is also essentially a more surreptitious hamster than Baby Ham.
That is to say, no one else in the house has yet been informed of his existence.
"This hamster is a secret Diarmuid," I tell the neighbour's kid.
He juggles Hamster Number Two meditatively.
"Why?" quoth he.
"Ummm," sez me, "because he just is. Don't tell anyone about him. I want to break the news gently to the parents."
While the kid still juggles Fur Ham, I go to sit in my corner chair.
The chair tilts backward as I lower myself into it.
I am unaware that the chair is tilting.
My rate of descent increases.
The chair's slide also increases.
It is falling over.
I am falling down.
With a crash of splinters my back cracks through the chair's ornate wooden struts.
I lie in a heap.
Diarmuid stares.
He is not a bad kid.
A saint would find it difficult not to laugh.
Diarmuid is not a saint.
At least if he is a saint, he's going to be one of those saints whose sainthood God makes apparent only after many years.
"Are you okay?" he manages with a stifled chortle.
"What happened?" sez me.
"Wah, ha, ha, ha," replies the Diarmuid.
He pops Fur Ham back in his cage and disappears up the hall.
The last thing I hear is him shouting out the front door at his brother who is playing football on the avenue.
"Hey Peter," he yells. "James has got a new hamster. Yeah. Another one. No really. He's got two of them. Oh and he just fell on his back when he tried to sit down and smashed a chair."
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